Bad Ideas Involving Microwaves
by deletedsystem32
Summary: "Hide," Kaneki interrupted. "Yes?" Hide asked, looking almost, almost genuinely confused. "You are not going to microwave a bar of soap, a DVD, and especially not Christmas tree lights!" "Well, not all at once!" "HIDE!"


**Shh... Just** ** _pretend_** **that they're able to have an apartment with a backyard in Tokyo...**

* * *

Kaneki opened the back door of the apartment that he and Hide were renting. Looking out into the backyard, he saw Hide standing with his hands on his hips, looking thoughtfully at a microwave sitting on top of two cinderblocks.

"Hide...?" Kaneki said, slowly walking up to him.

"Yes, Kaneki?" Hide replied, almost absentmindedly.

"What are you doing with that microwave?"

"Nothiiing~!" he said, proceeding to place the several regular household items placed next to it into a less precarious position.

"This _nothiiing_ wouldn't have anything to do with that stuff stacked beside the microwave, most of which should _never be microwaved,_ would it?"

 _That_ got Hide's attention. He looked thoughtful for a moment, and then:

"Nnnooooo-"

"Hide," Kaneki interrupted.

"Yes?" Hide asked, looking almost, _almost_ genuinely confused.

"You are _not_ going to microwave a bar of soap, a DVD, and _especially_ not _Christmas tree lights!_ "

"Well, not all at once!"

"HIDE!"

"What? It'll be fun! And I've got a shield—it'll be _fine._ "

"It's a large piece of cardboard with a plastic wrap window you can see out of."

" _With_ tin foil taped to it!"

Kaneki sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You're going to do this no matter what I say, aren't you?"

"Sure am!" Hide chirped, giving one of his signature thousand-watt grins.

"Alright, _fine._ But first, we're going to remedy the distinct lack of fire extinguishers, and _then_ we'll rush you to the emergency room."

"Hey!"

And then, after a moment of indignant silence:

"Do you know where the heavy-duty extension cord is?"

Kaneki sighed deeply.

"Check the utility closet."

"Thank youuu~!"

And with that, Hide quite literally skipped off to go find what Kaneki guessed would be Dumb Idea-Related Hospital Visit Number Four.

* * *

One expedition to purchase a fire extinguisher later, the pair stood in their backyard once again. Hide was practically buzzing with excitement, while Kaneki had the fire extinguisher within arm's reach and both the ambulance service and fire department on speed dial.

"For the record, I think this is a _terrible idea,_ " Kaneki grumbled.

"And for the record, I think this is a _wonderful_ idea!" Hide replied cheerfully.

"I'll be sure to have them put that on your grave."

"Oh, lighten _up!_ Stop being Mr. Grumpypants and help me with this!"

"'This' being _what?_ I can't even tell what you're doing—what _are_ you doing?"

"Why, twisting pieces of duct tape together to make a handle for the shield, of course!"

Kaneki sighed, but got up and walked over to help Hide, anyway.

"Alright, I'm here. What do you need me to-"

"Got it!"

Kaneki sighed again.

Hide grinned again.

Kaneki had a feeling that they'd each be doing a _lot_ of that, today.

* * *

"So, what is this supposed to do again?" Kaneki asked, watching Hide place the bar of soap in the microwave with a skeptical look.

"I read on the internet that it's like, supposed to turn into a cloud or something," Hide replied, shutting the microwave door.

"Uh...huh."

Kaneki stood behind the "shield" (really just to hold it upright—and to humor Hide) while Hide set the microwave for three minutes. He pressed the start button, and quickly ducked back to stand beside Kaneki. He pressed his face up to the "window" to get a better view.

After about fifteen seconds of nothing happening, Kaneki was just about to open his mouth to give a smart remark when Hide gasped.

"Kaneki, Kaneki look! It's actually _working!_ " he shouted gleefully.

And indeed it was. The soap was puffing up around the edges, and then expanding into what could only be described as—yes—a _cloud._ Hide had on what must have been the biggest grin Kaneki had ever seen him wear.

"Well, it looks like you were right, Hide," Kaneki said flatly (though he was really secretly impressed). "Now, why don't you stop the microwave since that thing is turning into Thor's revenge."

"Huh?"

" _It's charring and putting off smoke, Hide._ "

"SHIT!

* * *

After _that_ near-disaster, Hide prepared the next items: marshmallow Peeps. He stuck a toothpick in the front of each—one pink, and one yellow.

"There!" he said. He held them out in front of Kaneki. "Pink or yellow?"

"I-"

"Pink it is!"

Hide stuck them in the microwave, across from each other and within toothpick-stabbing range. He set the microwave for one minute.

"Alright, ladies, gentlemen, and others—" Hide said, taking on his best announcer voice. "It is my pleasure to welcome you to the first annual Peep Jousting(TM) Tournament!"

"Did you really just say 'TM' out lou-"

"If you have bets, place them now!"

He turned to Kaneki and whispered:

"Five bucks says my Peep is _totally_ gonna win!"

"And ten bucks says in your _dreams,_ " Kaneki replied. Despite his best efforts, he couldn't help but get into this competition as well.

"And now, without further ado, heeere we go in three... two... ONE!"

He pressed the 'START' button and stood back beside Kaneki, but continued to narrate the gruesome scene in the microwave.

"They're in their corners, neither making a move—but what's this?! Yellow is starting to puff up, with Pink doing the same! They're each doing their best to intimidate the other! But will it work?"

Both Kaneki and Hide watched with baited breath as the yellow Peep impaled the pink one in its neck.

"Oh my, ladies and gents, Yellow made quite a bold move, there! Will it be enough?"

"No! No, it won't! Come on, Pink!" Kaneki said under his breath.

"Whoa, Pink has now been stabbed clean through the neck, but-" Hide faltered, seeing that his Peep now had the other's toothpick stuck in its eye. "Oh my, Yellow seems to have gotten a wound of its own."

"HA! You're going DOWN, Hide!"

"Yeah, right!" Hide said, but quickly returned to his narration.

"Now, with both on equal ground, who will deflate first? Survey says. . ."

Time seemed to slow down, and then. . .the pink Peep imploded.

"PINK! PINK HAS DEFLATED, AND YELLOW IS THE WINNER!"

"NO! GOD _DAMN IT!_ " Kaneki shouted.

Hide took his phone out of his pocket and turned on the screen.

"LET'S HEAR A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR OUR NEW CHAMPIOOOOON!"

He tapped 'PLAY' on the 'Crowd Cheering - HD SFX' YouTube video he had queued up when Kaneki wasn't looking. The sound of wild applause rang out from crappy phone speakers as Hide burst into laughter at Kaneki's dumbfounded expression.

"Did you _seriously_ have that ready for when I _lost_?!"

"Sure did!" Hide said, trying to hold back his giggles—but failing horribly.

"Oh, _I_ see how it is," Kaneki said, narrowing his eyes.

"How what is?" Hide said, wiping tears from his eyes now that he had stopped laughing (for the most part).

"You just wanted to have a good laugh, huh?"

Hide froze. He could take a pretty good guess as to where this was going, and he Did Not Like It.

"Uh-"

" _Well, let me help you out with that,_ " Kaneki growled, leaping towards Hide with his arms outstretched. He pinned him down on the ground. . .

"No! No nononono NO-"

. . .and began to tickle him.

"AHA! HAHAHA HA HAHAAA That's-HAHAHA NO! That's not fAIR AAAHAHHA! HAH! Gh-Ghoul stRENGTHISCHEATING AAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

"Okay," Hide said. "I hear that CDs and DVDs do this weird crackly thing in the microwave. They- Well, you'll see." Hide put the DVD in the microwave, propped up on a paper towel so they could see it. "Ready?"

Kaneki nodded.

"Alrighty then! Heeere we go!"

Hide slammed the door shut, punched in fifteen seconds, and hit the start button in record time. Not two seconds after he made it behind the "shield" and pressed his face up against the "window" once again, the DVD sparked, and then cracked from the edges inward—thin, spiderweb-like cracks that covered the entire surface.

"Whoa..." Kaneki said in awe as Hide scrambled to turn off the microwave.

"That was so cool!" Hide shouted, turning off the microwave and taking the DVD out. "Wow!" The disk seemed to threaten to crumble with the slightest touch.

"That..." Kaneki said. "Is _really_ cool."

"Yeah, man!" Hide said, grinning. He turned to Kaneki. "So, you ready for the grand finale?"

* * *

The microwave was set. The shield was ready. The Christmas lights sat in the microwave, the ends plugged into each other and the lights themselves blissfully unaware of the painful fate that was about to befall them.

Hide and Kaneki were ready to do this.

Hide, almost reverently, pressed start on the microwave. The shield was forgotten as they stared at the microwave window in gleeful anticipation.

Nothing happened for several moments. But then, suddenly...

 ** _SNAPCRACKLECRACKLESNAPCRACKLESNAP!_**

The lights burst into a cacophonous flurry of popping, exploding, multi-colored electric light.

"Holy _shit..._ " Hide breathed.

"Yeah..." Kaneki said. "I agree."

It was only a few seconds later when the lights gave up their fantastic display of light and sound...

...And the plastic coating on the wires started to melt.

"Shit!" Hide shouted, scrambling to hit the stop button on the microwave _just before_ anything decided that it would be a fun idea to combust into a fantastic display of hellfire.

"Phew! That one... was _close,_ " Hide said, wiping his brow with the back of his hand.

" _Too_ close," Kaneki said, running a hand down his face.

"However," Hide said. "That... was... AWESOME! _Totally_ worth the risk of fire and/or bodily harm!"

Kaneki let out a small laugh.

"Y'know, Hide, I'm inclined to agree with you. That _was_ pretty cool."

"See?" Hide said, gloating. "It wasn't such a bad idea after all!"

"No, it was, in fact, a terrible idea. It was just a terrible idea that ended up being a lot of fun."

Hide grinned again, but it suddenly dropped off his face as he turned white as a sheet. Kaneki turned around to see why, and turned pale as well, because there, stalking towards them, was their dear friend and landlord... Touka.

Hide yelped and dove out of the way as she grabbed Kaneki by the collar and shook him.

"WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS _DOING?!_ " she yelled.

"Tou- ka- if- you- would- just- let- me- ex- plain!"

"WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS? HUH?!"

She stopped shaking Kaneki, who didn't dare try to wrench himself free. He slowly raised his arm and pointed at Hide, who smiled guiltily. Touka glared at him with a look that could ignite dry ice, and the smile dropped off his face immediately. He gulped. But instead of going after Hide, Touka turned back to Kaneki and kneed him in the stomach.

"AGH!" Kaneki coughed. "What was- what was _that_ for?!"

"For not _stopping_ him, IDIOT!" Touka yelled.

"How was I supposed to stop him?! This is Hide we're talking about!" Kaneki yelled back.

"Hey!" Hide yelled indignantly.

"You're a ghoul, asshole! Threaten to eat him or something, I don't know!"

" _Hey!_ "

"I'm not going to threaten to eat my best friend! Would you threaten to eat Yoriko?" Kaneki said.

Touka just crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at Kaneki, who knew he had (sort of) won this argument.

"Tch. I _knew_ keeping him alive was a bad idea," Touka grumbled, glaring.

"HEY!"

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it (although I spent minimal time editing; I really wanted to get it out there!) - thanks for reading!**


End file.
